Coping Strategies for Caregivers

The National Family Caregivers Association estimates that during any given year over 50 million Americans provide care for chronically ill, disabled or aged family members. Society often looks on these caregivers as unsung heroes - and rightly so. Caregivers are lauded as kind and caring, generous and giving, supportive and selfless. What many may not realize is that caregivers can be plagued with stress, anxiety and negative emotions.

According to Dr. Ellen Keenan, a retired psychologist and counselor from Ireland, feelings of guilt, anxiety and depression are common among caregivers. A good deal of this stress comes from the feeling that they as caregivers should be able to "do it all."

"Caregivers are often the glue that holds a family together when it is confronted with ugly or upsetting situations, but the carers themselves may feel intensely guilty that the situation ever even occurred," Dr. Keenan says. "They spend agonizing hours, sometimes every day, thinking of what they could have done differently. They imagine clues they could have picked up on, actions they could have taken, courses they could have attended and even prayers they could have offered. What they often forget to realize is that they are not responsible for the entire world, nor are they capable of controlling it all."

Jean Henefer, from Bryn Mawr, Penn., caregiver to her elderly mother, agrees with this sentiment, labeling it the "superwoman syndrome." Though she knows it is impossible to do everything, anticipate everything, be everywhere and still remain strong and positive at all times, Henefer still acknowledges that caregivers think they should be able to manage it all. When caregivers fail to do this, it often leads to negative emotions and stress, which becomes a vicious cycle.

"This can be wearing on one’s strength and patience, which can result in being less caring than you would like," Henefer says. "That then adds to the emotional toll because the carer then feels guilty [about] their very human responses."

Jeanne Murphy from Basking Ridge, N.J., caregiver to her son who has autism, notices this cycle as well. Murphy acknowledges that caregivers can suffer from guilt, anxiety and depression. "The caregiver may tend to overcompensate for these emotions and continue to do a wonderful job in tending to the needs of the individual but begin sacrificing a part of him or herself in some way be it physically, emotionally or mentally," she says. "In the end, both the caregiver and individual will suffer."

Thankfully, there is much caregivers can do to cope with negative emotions. "The most important thing for caregivers to remember is that all of their feelings are valid," Dr. Keenan says. "Whatever they feel is acceptable and healthy. Their jobs are hard, and they necessarily become emotionally involved with their charges. It is if they didn’t feel guilty, anxious or depressed that I would begin to worry."

Henefer agrees with this assessment. "By realizing that these emotions, responses and reactions are normal and human, I can realize that it is my humanity, warts and all, that makes my care so important to the person concerned," she says.

For caregivers mired in unproductive and unhelpful thoughts, Dr. Keenan offers several practical solutions. "First of all, caregivers should recognize that they are not alone and should actively seek support," she says. Whether it is talking with other family members or friends, sharing their feelings with a counselor or religious leader or joining an organized support group, caregivers must connect to the wider world and allow others to buoy them up as needed.

"Caregivers must also recognize that they are only human and remind themselves that they are doing the best they can," Dr. Keenan says. There is no sense in caregivers beating themselves up because they don’t know as much as the doctors or they can’t negotiate services like the social workers. By definition a caregiver’s job is to care, and there is no chance they are falling short of that.

Taking time for themselves is another coping strategy that many caregivers find effective - and essential. "Recharging with a quick nap, looking after their own health with regular workouts and a proper diet and finding some quiet time at the local library or park are all necessary for carers to reenergize and continue to give their all to their jobs," Dr. Keenan says. "Without looking after themselves, there is no way they can look after anyone else."

Finally, varying daily routines can be an excellent means of keeping negative emotions at bay. This can be particularly difficult for caregivers if the person in their care must be kept to a strict routine of medications and therapy, but even planning just one interesting outing or activity now and then can keep everyone excited and upbeat.

"If a caregiver feels particularly guilty that [she or he] cannot take a disabled child to the zoo, for example, investigating and planning how to make this possible can both alleviate the guilt and provide some excitement on the horizon," Dr. Keenan says. Checking with the care receiver’s doctor or other health care professional beforehand will give caregivers all the assurance they need to make sure their plans are appropriate for their loved one.

Negative emotions such as guilt, anxiety and depression may be common among caregivers, but they do not have to be tolerated for long. Acknowledging these emotions as common, and healthy, and then moving right along is the best way for caregivers to deal with them. If a caregiver is unable to do this, seeking support and even professional help is the smartest option. Though they may mean the world to the people in their care, caregivers cannot do it all - and that’s OK!