Fostering Better Family Relationships When a Loved One
Has Special Needs

There is no disputing that caring for a loved one with special needs results in a huge investment of time and effort. There is also no disputing that this time and effort must be taken away from other life areas and that those other family members who are “left behind” may come to feel jealous and resentful.

Though they face unique challenges, families of individuals with special needs are also in a unique position to pull together and foster better relationships among all family members. If you are caring for a loved one with special needs, or are part of a family that includes an individual with special needs, resolve to start strengthening your family relationships today.

One important first step in building better relationships within a family that includes an individual with special needs is to keep the situation in perspective. Anyone with a loved one who has special needs must recognize that this will present certain obstacles to family strength and stability but that they should never become the sole axis on which the family rotates. Recognizing these obstacles will help everyone involved deal with them honestly and appropriately.

In order to recognize the obstacles your family faces, soliciting everyone’s perspective is a must. Dr. Ellen Keenan, an experienced family therapist from Dublin, Ireland, believes emotions can run highly in families with special needs individuals. “Families with special needs members face an incredible amount of stress due to the practicalities of caring for this member,” Dr. Keenan says. “Wrangling with insurance agencies, local governments for benefits, schools for appropriate education and even other family members for acceptance all take their toll.”

Guilt and other emotions associated with caring for a loved one with special needs are often common, too. “Many family members, particularly the head caregivers, may also feel guilt that something has ‘happened to’ the special needs member as well as guilt that their attention is often focused on this member to the perceived detriment of others,” Dr. Keenan says. “Pervasive feelings of inadequacy – that members don’t know enough or aren’t doing enough to help both the special needs member and the family unit – are also quite common.”

In order to get these emotions out into the open, call a family meeting and promise everyone that there will be no repercussions for what is said. Have each family member agree to speak openly and honestly when it is their turn and to listen carefully and with an open mind when it is not.

Regina Smythe of London, England, is the sister of a brother with multiple sclerosis. She thinks back fondly on the family film nights her parents instituted after her brother was diagnosed.

“One thing I do remember is that we always had family film nights on Friday nights, which seemed just awful to me when I was in secondary [high] school,” Smythe says. “In retrospect, they were a good idea because we were supposedly there to have fun and watch a film, so no one felt pressured to share anything important. But after a little bit of chatting we’d all undoubtedly end up talking about our week or our favorite films or even what we all thought of last night’s tea [dinner]. It was a good way to stay connected.”

No matter if your family decides to play Scrabble once a week, bake cookies together, go grocery shopping or hit the park, even just the fact that you are enjoying yourself as a family unit will go a long way toward strengthening your bonds.

Just as important as spending time together as a family is allowing each family member time on his or her own and with each other in small groups. Children crave time and attention alone with their parents, so make sure that no one in the family gets shortchanged.

Smythe remembers her birthdays as being particularly special occasions when she was a child. “My dad would take the day off and take me anywhere I wanted to go, and when we got home my mum would have made my favorite meal,” she says.

Though a once-a-year special day is a great start, make sure that all family members feel special at least once a week. Crow recommends scheduling both family meetings and one-on-one time with each family member once a week. No matter what schedule you decide on, the important thing to remember is to never cancel plans and never use one family member’s time to do something for, think about or talk about another.

No matter what plan of action your family decides on to foster better relationships, having fun is the most important ingredient. Families that include individuals with special needs can very easily get caught up in the stress of day-to-day life, so reminding your family members why you love each other and how you can have fun together is of the utmost importance.

Shake things up with a family trip, give everyone a break by eating out or even let each member choose the activity in turn. No matter what you end up doing, you’ll all end up feeling a whole lot better by the end!